Neon Genesis Self Insertion
by Keith Fraser
Summary: Disappointed by the lack of beautiful Mary-Sue fanfiction characters pursuing him, Shinji decides to write one of his own.
1. Episode 1: Shinji Strikes Back

_Author's Notes: This fic is the result of a demented imagination (inspired by other parody writers)wondering what it would be like if the characters from works of fiction lived in their own strange little parallel universe, and were constantly being forced to star in fanfics of their original series. It is also, as should become obvious, a parody of numerous fanfiction clich__é__s._

_Standard Disclaimer: Evangelion is the creation of Hideaki Anno, Yoshiyuki Sadamoto _et al _and the_ _property of Studio Gainax. No money is being made from this fanfic and it will be removed if the above parties so request._

**In The Land Of Broken Fourth Walls...**

Asuka and Rei are stuck doing a new fanfic together, in which a new character replaces Shinji. Misato is off on holiday with Kaji, since neither of them have any fics to appear in for the next couple of weeks. Shinji is all alone...and you all know what happens if you leave a teenage boy in an apartment all by himself.

He surfs the Internet.

**Neon Genesis Self-Insertion: Shinji Strikes Back**

Shinji snorted with laughter as he watched yet another Flash movie about dancing crabs on It was so nice having the apartment all to himself for a change. Asuka usually hogged the computer to read _Revolutionary Girl Utena_ yaoi when she was in, and it wasn't often she was doing a fic and he wasn't. Thankfully, on this occasion the studios didn't seem to be shooting fics back-to-back and doing one with him and Kaoru at the same time. He shuddered. Those fangirls were perverted...REALLY perverted! Their perversions disgusted him. Yes they DID! He blushed crimson and went in search of some decent non-slash _Harry Potter_ fanfic to take his mind off showers and Beethoven.

He was soon so engrossed in _Harry's Dead Sexy Goth Rawker Sister Falls In Love With Draco_ that he didn't even notice Pen-Pen emerge from the bathroom, peer at the computer screen, shake his head in disgust, and stomp off to his freezer.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Krystyna shivered with delight as Draco took her hands in his, drawing them close to his breast. She looked up into his grey eyes, breathless with desire. His face was cold and hard and expressionless as always, yet still wrenchingly beautiful in its pale perfection framed by his shimmering platinum hair, and she saw the warmth of his passion in his eyes. Her black lacy skirts swirled as he drew her to him, their raven and silver hair mingling in the wind, and her heart fluttered like a nervous bird in her bosom.

"Krystyna," he said softly, his voice raw with never-before-expressed emotion, "Please answer me one question."

"Anything, Draco." she replied, her trembling, slender body encircled protectively by his strong arms.

Draco held her tighter, his long fingers pressing into her back through the thin material of her gown. "Krystyna," he said again, "Will you be my love and my soulmate?"

Pure joy suffused Krystyna's body at his words. Forgetting her demure modesty in her passionate excitement, she threw her arms tightly round Draco, pressing herself to him in a loving embrace. "Yes! Yes! A thousand times yes!" she cried passionately. "I will be yours as you will be mine, forever and ever!"

The barest hint of a smile appeared on Draco's starkly beautiful face, and he pressed his pale lips to her ruby ones in reply. His black-feathered wings sprang out from his back and he leapt from the Astronomy Tower into the air. Krystyna unfurled her own wings and followed him, their hands still clasped. Together they flew through the crisp night air, magic and love driving them onwards as they reached toward the stars, and beyond.

Author's note: Next chapter is the LEMON scene, hehehehehe! Reviews always welcome.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Shinji hit 'Back', scowling faintly. He'd be sure to check back at this fic in a few days, but something was irking him. "Why," he wondered aloud, "does a mean, sneaky little rotter like Draco Malfoy get five million fangirls chasing after him night and day when I don't? It's not fair! I'm an angsty teenage hero! I'm practically Mary Sue sympathy fodder!"

He ceased his ranting as a sudden idea hit him. He would have to be very careful...Asuka would be even more angry than usual this evening when she got back after hours of kissing up to some self-inserting god-boy, no doubt...but it was worth the risks.

"I mustn't run away." Setting his jaw, Shinji opened the word processor and began to type.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

**Title: Evangelion: The New Girl **

**By: Angstboy1337 **

**Summary: A beautiful new pilot appears. Will anything happen between her and Shinji? Read and find out! **

"Hey Shinji, d'you know if they've picked a pilot for Evangelion Unit-05 yet?"

"Huh?" Shinji turned to look at Kensuke, frowning. The military otaku was leaning between their desks, his expression even more eager than usual. "Unit-05?"

"You hadn't heard? Damn, they don't tell you anything, do they? It was the same two years ago when Unit-03 was shipped over and you only found out Touji was the pilot when it got taken over by an Angel and you had to rescue him from inside it. Anyway, I found out they finally finished construction on Unit-05 in Germany and it's being sent over in a few days. Have they said anything about a new pilot?"

"No, no-one's said anything."

"Great, maybe they're looking for one! Can you put in a good word for me with Misato?"

"Um...."

"PLEEEEEASE?!" Kensuke put on a rather pathetic begging face.

"Well...OK, but I can't promise anything."

"Thanks, Shinji! You are indeed a true friend!" Shinji sweatdropped as Kensuke struck a 'heartfelt gratitude' pose. "So, when do you next see Misato so you can ask her?"

"Um...we have synch tests this afternoon, she should be there."

"Great!"

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"I think that's enough setup." Shinji said to anyone who might be listening - meaning himself, the now-asleep Pen-Pen, the two alcoholic mice who lived under the TV, Misato's Tuxedo Mask plushie and Asuka's giant-sized poster of Touga with his shirt off, which had always disturbed Shinji in a way he couldn't quite put his finger on. "The characters' contrived newly-legal ages are done...premise set up...the readers might be getting bored now. On to the good stuff!"

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

**NERV Headquarters, that afternoon**

"Ah, good afternoon Shinji, thank you for joining us." said Ritsuko as Shinji arrived at the testing area. "We have a new pilot arriving today and we don't have a fourth testing plug set up yet, so we'll be doing the synch tests in shifts for the next few days. Rei and Asuka will be tested tomorrow, today we'll do you and the new girl."

Shinji shrugged acceptance. Nearly two-and-a-half years of synch tests had made the procedure grow increasingly tedious, particularly without any Angel attacks since the Thirteenth's possession of Unit-03. Any change in the routine was welcome, particularly as it wouldn't involve anything exploding or anyone dying.

Unless the new pilot was anything like Asuka, of course...

Heading downstairs to the pilots' changing area, he was about to enter the male section when he heard a voice say "Hello?" behind him in accented Japanese. He turned to look at the speaker...

...and was immediately struck dumb by the sight of the girl staring back at him. She was just his height, with long, flowing black hair that tumbled down her back in unruly waves and large dark eyes set in a pale, perfectly complexioned oval face, long black lashes lowered slightly over them. She wore a friendly, slightly mischievous smile, as well as an oddly archaic black dress whose lacy hem floated just above her ankles. The bodice clung faintly to her slender form in a way that drew Shinji's eyes, as did the flawless bare skin of her arms and neck. He gulped and hoped he wasn't blushing too hard.

"Hello?" the girl said again, before Shinji could get his voice working. "I'm..."

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Shinji stopped typing and thought for several minutes. Then he nodded to himself and resumed.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"...Helena Blackrose, the pilot of Unit-05. You must be Shinji Ikari. I've been so looking forward to meeting you!"

Shinji found his voice at last. "Y-yes. I am. Hello." _Looking forward to meeting me? Surely she must just be saying that..._

Helena's smile broadened, and Shinji's heart skipped a few extra beats. "I've heard so much about you and..." She was interrupted by the klaxon going off, signalling that the synch tests would begin shortly. "Ah damn, we'd better get changed. See you later!"

"Yeah..." Shinji stared after her as she hurried into the girls' changing room with a swish of black skirts, then shook himself slightly and opened the door to his own changing room.

**Some time later...**

Deep in thought, Shinji finished buttoning his shirt. He hoped he hadn't left any LCL in his hair, showering and changing so quickly, but he was undeniably anxious to leave the testing area and see the new pilot again. He hadn't been able to see or talk to her during the test, since there was no video or audio link between the testing plugs to prevent the pilots distracting each other. However, he had heard her voice a couple of times talking to Misato and Ritsuko and the technicians, and had at least managed to gather that she came from England and had been training with Unit-05 for just under a year.

As he prepared to leave, he suddenly realised that his rushing had probably been wasted effort. Helena was unlikely to hurry her own ablutions on his account, and judging by Asuka at least, would probably take quite a lot of time over them. _Especially with such long, thick hair...such beautiful hair._ He blushed crimson as he realised that she was probably in the girls' showers right now, cleaning the LCL out of it...shaking droplets of water from the dark mane to rain down around her or run glistening down her skin...he flushed even redder and forced his mind away from the thought.

He was so absorbed in this arduous task that he failed to notice the knocking on the wall that separated the male and female changing areas. It wasn't until he heard a familiar voice calling his name softly through the partition that he stopped counting to a thousand in his head and trying to focus on icy cold mountain streams...streams...streams of clear water running down soft, curving...NO!

"Shinji?"

"Um, yes?"

"Could you come through here and give me a hand with something?"

"I, uh, wha? Pardon?"

"Don't worry, no-one'll see you. I just need some help with this."

"OK, just coming..." Shinji hurried out of the door and approached the girls' changing room with great trepidation (having been threatened with assorted cruel and unusual punishments by Asuka if he ever entered it). What could Helena want his help with?

_I mustn't run away._ He opened the door and entered.

"Ah, there you are. Do you think you could help me with these buttons?" Helena asked apologetically. "I can't seem to get this plugsuit off by myself."

Shinji just stood and stared. She was still clad in one of the adaptable Type H black-and-silver plugsuits, every contour on her body outlined with a glittering metallic sheen under the bright lights. Her hair was elegantly gathered into a thick braid, which she was holding up in an effort to get at the control buttons on the back of her neck.

Terrified of making himself look like a complete idiot, Shinji pulled himself together with a supreme effort. She was just asking

for help with unfamiliar equipment, that was all. He was a professional. He could deal with this.

"You - you haven't used the Type H suits before?" he asked, impressed at how calm he sounded.

"No - I trained on the Type E, which had nice logical fastenings down one side. This seems to have its seam on the back, and there's some sort of buttons here on the collar - but I can't for the life of me figure out how they work. I can't even find the inflation button so it'll stop sticking to me and making me feel like I should be standing in front of a webcam and making a lot of money."

Shinji actually managed to remain detached enough about that remark to laugh. "There's a knack to unfastening them - it's easy once you know it. You have to kind of push and twist the buttons at the same time - the left-hand one is inflation, the right-hand one unseals the seam."

"Could you do it for me, just this once? I'll practice before I put the bloody thing on again, once I'm not actually wearing it and I can see what I'm doing." She smiled and turned round, lifting her braid clear so he could see the buttons on her neck clearly. "Please?"

"S...sure." Shinji swallowed hard and approached her, very carefully laying one hand on her upper shoulder to hold it steady. The slick exterior of the plugsuit had already let the LCL drain away, and he could feel her warmth through the thin fabric, as well as smell a faint but pleasant sweetness through the sickly smell of the connection liquid. He carefully pushed and turned the inflation button with the index finger of his other hand, producing a hiss of indrawn air as the plugsuit expanded around Helena. She sighed in relief and relaxed slightly, causing her to lean back against his hands. Shinji swallowed.

"Thanks."

"That's the inflation...um...now the fastening button." He pushed and twisted this as well. "To unseal the back now, you just pull down the small toggle below the buttons." you do that for me as well? I just can't face squirming around trying to pull it right now."

Shinji swallowed again. "Um...sure. Here it is...I'll just..." He grasped the toggle between two fingers, intending to pull it down as quickly as possible and get away before his brain imploded.

"You have warm hands." Helena suddenly turned her head, craning her neck to look round at him, and placed her own still-gloved hand over his. "It's nice."

"Er...thanks." Shinji grasped the toggle and inched it down slowly, finding it would not move any faster. He could see the skin of her back now, as the seam opened up. His fingers brushed against it accidentally, and he had a brief sensation of softness before pulling away as if stung. Finally he brought the toggle down to her waist, which thankfully was as far as it would go. "There you are."

"Thank you so much, Shinji. Could you just unstick this thing from my shoulders? Sorry to bother you so much - I'll be fine once that's done, I promise."

"No! It's no problem, honestly. Um...shoulders...right." Shinji desperately laid his hands fully on her shoulders, which produced a slight shiver, and eased the plugsuit fabric down her arms, exposing more of her. She raised her hands to take the edge of the material from him, causing him to move his hands up again. He realised he was now resting them against her bare flesh, and jerked them away. She turned round, holding the opened plugsuit up and smiling.

"I can take it from here now, Shinji. Thanks for all your help. I'd have felt really embarassed dialling up the control room and saying 'Help! I can't get out of my clothes!'"

Shinji felt ready to spontaneously combust. "Um, no problem. I'd better go now..." He headed for the door.

Helena laughed musically. "Yeah, I charge by the hour for more than what you've already seen." He walked into a locker as all his higher brain functions simultaneously shut down, and she giggled teasingly again. "Kidding. I charge by the minute!" she added as he fled.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Shinji mopped his brow as he finished the paragraph. He checked his watch. Rei and Asuka should be finished by now and the redhead would be back fairly soon, but he was on a roll. He decided to go and get something with a lot of ice in it then continue writing.

**Meanwhile...**

"That was _awful_." Asuka declared, hurriedly pulling on her blouse as she sat on one of the changing-room benches in Fic Studio Complex 9, her hair still wet from a very long shower.

"I agree," Rei said as she dressed with her usual unconcern in the middle of the room. "Today's fic's author must have an even more inflated ego than most. It is quite inconceivable that both of us would fall in love with his avatar at once, and even more so that neither of us should object to the other showing him affection. He was a very inept writer of kisses as well," she added parenthetically.

"You seem awfully emotional today."

"Contrary to popular opinion, I am neither a doll nor a raging sack of hormones begging for release."

"Yes, well...anyway, those _were_ lousy kissing scenes, weren't they? I think my tongue still hurts from trying to do that anatomically impossible thing I was supposed to be doing."

"I believe I am experiencing physical discomfort too."

"The avatar's breath smelt as well - probably all that beer he was drinking - and he needs to watch where he puts his nose."

"Indeed. It was greatly inferior to Ikari's performance in our last fic."

"Yeah, well, he learned from a master." Asuka tossed her hair with a smug grin, having finished dressing.

"I will reserve judgement on that matter until the next time an author decides to pair the two of us off."

".....ah, sod it. You want to come back and raid Misato's liquor cabinet? We can tease Shinji about _Hellstorm Evangelion_ and all those Kaoru slashfics."

"That would be acceptable."

"That's the spirit. Let's go, then."

Elsewhere, Shinji continued banging away...at the keyboard.


	2. Episode 2: Attack of the Angst

_Standard Disclaimer: Evangelion is the creation of Hideaki Anno, Yoshiyuki Sadamoto _et al _and the_ _property of Studio Gainax. No money is being made from this fanfic and it will be removed if the above parties so request. All your base are belong to us._

**Previously on Neon Genesis Self-Insertion:**

Reading a _Harry Potter_ Mary Sue fic while everyone else was out, Shinji felt aggrieved at the lack of beautiful implausibly-named young ladies indulging their wild fantasies about him through the medium of fiction. Being a proactive fellow, he decided to create a fic of his own, featuring a new pilot named Helena Blackrose who, on her first day on the job, asked him to help her remove her plugsuit.

Meanwhile, Asuka and Rei have just finished a truly horrible fic-filming session with an obonxious Marty Stu, and are heading to Misato's apartment to get drunk, unaware of what Shinji is up to...

**Neon Genesis Self-Insertion**

**Episode 2: Attack of the Angst**

"Oh, welcome home Asuka...hello, Ayanami." Shinji greeted the two girls as they entered the apartment, somewhat surprised at Rei's presence. "How was the fic?"

"Horrible. We're here to drown our sorrows, I suggest you stay out of the way." Asuka replied with her usual level of cheer and sweetness (i.e.: not a whole lot). "Start opening bottles, Wondergirl; I'll just wash my hands." Asuka entered the living area, and noticed the lit computer screen in front of Shinji. "Looking at those stupid perverted _Harry Potter_ fics again, Shinji?"

"No, just writing an email to Misato and Kaji." Shinji innocently indicated the item in question.

"Hmph." Asuka stomped off to the bathroom, while Shinji breathed a sigh of relief that he had had the presence of mind to hide the text file of what he had written so far behind the email window.

"May I ask a question?" Rei asked from the kitchen, looking up from a bottle of rum.

"Um, yes?"

"How do the stories you read differ fundamentally from the stories I have observed Miss Sohryu reading about sexual relations between attractive male fictional characters?"

"Well, Asuka says the stuff I read is just stupid romantic slush with little bits of nudity and sex to keep people reading, whereas the things she reads are intense and dramatic stories of doomed forbidden love between passionate, soulful young men."

"I believe I see the difference now."

"Really? I'm not sure I do." Puzzled, Shinji saved what he had written, shut down the computer and retreated to his bedroom to listen to his SDAT.

------------------------------------------------

_Misato's apartment, that evening_

Shinji held the bathroom door open for Pen-Pen and walked into the kitchen, where Misato and Asuka were just sitting down to dinner. A long, cold shower had restored him to some vague semblance of calm after his encounter with Helena. The last time he had had such intimate physical contact with a girl had been the time Asuka had sneaked into his bed the night before the battle with the Seventh Angel! He hastily banished thoughts of Helena doing something similar in case anyone noticed.

"So, what did you think of the new pilot, Shinji?" Misato asked, giving him a wink as she opened a beer from the small stack in front of her.

"Um...she seemed nice..." Shinji stammered. Asuka gave him a suspicious look, and Misato grinned broadly.

"Hoping to get to know her better, eh?"

"Ha! He's probably thinking perverted thoughts about her right now! Still, at least maybe he'll stop thinking them about _me_ if he's panting after the new girl."

"Oh? You sure you'd rather he was thinking about someone else? Not jealous at all?"

"No!"

"Anyway, Shinji, you'll get your chance, because she's moving in next door tomorrow."

Shinji choked on his tea. "Wh-what?!"

"Yeah, I thought it would be nice to keep the pilots together, since that worked so well with you and Asuka." Misato winked again, and Asuka stuck her tongue out at her. "We don't really have space for another person in here, but there's plenty of space in the rest of the building. So I got her assigned to the apartment next to this one."

"Oh..."

"And I bet she'll be wanting a big, strong, man to help her move her stuff..." Misato added.

"Yeah, maybe Shinji can show her where to find one." said Asuka caustically.

"Wark." commented Pen-Pen as he headed past on the way to his fridge.

------------------------------------------------

Shinji opened his bedroom door and peered cautiously out. The drunken German singing had abated some time ago, and he had had some good ideas about what to write next. The coast seemed clear, so he tiptoed down the corridor and switched on the computer, wincing at the loud beep it gave. No Teutonic wrath descended upon him, so once the startup sequence was complete, he opened the story file and resumed typing.

------------------------------------------------

_Next day_

"Thanks ever so much for helping me with all this, Shinji," Helena said as Shinji staggered into her apartment carrying the last two boxes. "I don't know how I'd have managed this lot on my own."

"No...problem..." Shinji wheezed, collapsing bonelessly onto the heavy black-and-silver-patterned couch - and believe you me, he knew exactly how heavy it was. He had aches in muscles he hadn't realized existed after the last two hours of heavy lifting, which he had endured either out of an unwillingness to say no or an attachment to the tantalizing possibilities implied by Helena's 'I've been so looking forward to meeting you!'. He decided the latter option was marginally less pathetic, even if it was prompted by what had probably been only a mindless pleasantry.

When he could just about move again and had shaken off his gloomy thoughts, he opened his eyes to see a smiling Helena setting a steaming cup down on the table in front of him. "Here, drink this. You must be exhausted. I shouldn't have made you do so much by yourself." He started to protest, but she cut him off, gently touching him on the arm - which would have made his knees go weak if they had not already been numb. "You'll have to let me make it up to you."

Hating himself for trying to read too much into her every word, Shinji looked awkwardly down and sipped his tea. It was delicious, sending soothing warmth into his bones and lifting some of the exhausted fog from his mind. When he set down the half-empty cup and looked up again, Helena had sat herself down next to him and seemed to be staring at him intently. Their eyes met, and Shinji reddened. He noticed that she was blushing too, which made him feel a little better.

"I'm sorry," said Helena. "I must seem like such a fangirl. I just...well, you're sort of my hero."

"R-really?" Shinji's heart practically jumped out of his ribcage with sudden longing hope. "Why?" he asked with commendable calm.

"Why wouldn't you be? I know you piloted Unit-01 for the first time, with no training, to save the First Child. I can't imagine ever being that brave, or doing half the other things you've done. You're _amazing_, Shinji." Helena's cheeks had turned a fetching shade of red, and Shinji noticed belatedly that she had taken one of his hands between both of hers.

"Sorry." Helena said in annoyance at herself (unwittingly reminding Shinji of himself). "You probably hear that all the time. I bet you have lots of girls after you."

Shinji almost laughed at that (while trying to ignore the rather stimulating way she was stroking his palm with her thumb). "Um, not really. I mean, some people think being an Eva pilot is cool, but not people that know what it's really like."

Helena frowned. "Well, _I_ do, and _I_ think the things you've done are amazing. Anyone who doesn't must be stupid."

"Th-thanks."

"Do you have a girlfriend, Shinji?" She asked the question baldly and matter-of-factedly, so that Shinji was too surprised to do anything other than answer.

"Um, no."

"Good." Their faces suddenly seemed very close together, and Shinji suppressed the hard-earned instinct to bolt (Asuka's personal space carried higher penalties for trespassers than Terminal Dogma).

"It's all right," Helena murmured, removing one hand from his to cup his cheek. "I don't bite. Not on a first date, anyway."

Shinji was too busy processing that to object when she achieved her obvious goal and kissed him thoroughly, and after a few seconds of that he had no objections to make. Her arms softly enfolded him, her sweet scent intoxicated him, liquid warmth spread from their joined lips, and a feeling of contentment like nothing he had ever known washed over him. He closed his eyes and hesitantly returned the embrace, then on receiving no violent reprisal clung tightly to her, not wanting the moment to end.

When at last they broke apart for oxygen-related reasons, neither relinquished the embrace. Resting her head on his shoulder, Helena whispered in his ear: "I promise you'll never have to bear it alone again, Shinji. I love you."

Shinji's eyes widened at the power and conviction in her simple words. How could someone he had only just met pierce his soul so easily and fill him with such joy? Tabling such questions for later, he drew Helena more tightly to him with uncharacteristic ardour and returned the kiss she had given him with interest.

------------------------------------------------

Shinji stared, bleary-eyed from lack of sleep, at what he had written. He was clearly out of character in his fic - as if he could manage to be so (relatively) smooth in that situation! The resulting scenario was what he had been aiming for, but now that it was written down it felt too unrealistic for him to enjoy the wish-fulfillment. Cursing his excessive honesty regarding his own merits as a romantic lead, he deleted the last few paragraphs and tried to come up with a (to him, at least) more plausible version of events. This was proving harder than he had expected...

------------------------------------------------

"I'm sorry," said Helena. "I must seem like such a fangirl. I just...well, you're sort of my hero."

"R-really?" The more cynical parts of Shinji's mind reminded him that he had heard this kind of thing before, always from people who knew only the sketchiest outlines of the things he had done and endured. If they knew the reality - that every time he got into his Eva he had to fight not to throw up or cry with terror - they wouldn't be so impressed. He wasn't sure whether to be disappointed or relieved at the mundanity of her interest in him.

"Of course! I studied all your battles when I was training - when you went up against the Third Angel with no preparation, when you killed the Fourth, when you jumped into molten lava to rescue-"

"Stop!" Shinji could bear no more. "It wasn't like that. I did all that stuff, but...I wasn't brave or heroic or anything. I was scared the whole time. I'm always scared. I'm completely pathetic..." Tears were pricking at his eyes, blurring his vision, so it came as a complete surprise when his rant was cut off by something soft and warm locking onto his mouth. Helena's arms wrapped tightly around him as he went completely rigid, then relaxed into the kiss for want of any pressing reason not to. When it ended, he stared at her in astonishment as she gently stroked his back, looking at him with such apparent sympathy that he couldn't bear to resume his interrupted outburst.

"I know." she said softly.

"What?"

"I _know_ you were scared. I didn't just see the external combat footage, I watched the images from your entry plug cameras as well. I could see how afraid you were in every battle. Of course you didn't want to fight, of course you wanted to be anywhere else - who wouldn't, unless they were crazy or a machine? But when it counted, _you fought hard regardless_. And that's why you're my hero. Not because you're a great pilot - although you are - but because you get scared like me, and yet you're still great at the same time."

Shinji desperately tried to make sense of his emotions as they sat together in momentary silence. His cynical side tried to come up with arguments to refute her description of him, but somehow they seemed less conclusive than before. True, she didn't know he continued to pilot in a pathetic attempt to impress his father, but he couldn't bear to say that for some reason. Because it was too painful to say out loud? Because he didn't want to hurt her feelings? Because she might sympathize even with that? Because he wanted her to kiss him again? He had no idea.

The silence was finally broken as Helena released him and sat back hurriedly, blushing furiously, one hand over her mouth. "Oh God. I shouldn't have said that. I shouldn't have _done_ that. You must think I'm completely mad. I violated your privacy - I am so, so, sorry..."

"It's all right." Shinji said, semi-automatically. "I don't mind." _I don't? Since when am I OK with the idea of people watching me mutter 'I mustn't run away' to myself like a lunatic?_

"You don't?"

"I...well...just...don't worry about it. Watching that footage was part of your training, right?"

"Well, yes, but I shouldn't have passed judgement on you. I must have sounded so stupid...but it was all true. I _never_ thought you were pathetic, honestly, and I couldn't bear to hear you say you were."

"I'm...glad you think that." His voice cracked, betraying his thoughts, and he looked away from her again.

"You don't believe me, do you?" He thought he heard pity in the sad quaver in her voice. It made him feel angry, at her and at himself for hurting her feelings and being pitiful in the first place.

"I guess...you believe what you said is true, but I don't. I'm sorry." He got up, wanting to be alone and away from all these thoughts. He was pressing the door control when he heard her voice again.

"Shinji. I'll show you you really are a hero. I promise."

He turned away from her beautiful face with its quietly stubborn look, and miserably sleepwalked the few steps to Misato's. Without acknowledging anyone, he went into his room, closed the door and tried to shut out the world with his SDAT. It didn't work. His thoughts, and his dreams when he finally drifted to sleep, were filled with warm, sweet-scented embraces, dark eyes melting with affection, and soft lips kissing him over and over again while murmuring _'My hero'_.

------------------------------------------------

Shinji brushed a tear from his eye, saved what he had written, and closed the file. The first light of dawn was just beginning to seep round the curtains.

"I found it very moving, Ikari."

"GYAAAAAAH!" Shinji leapt halfway across the room at the sudden quiet voice speaking in his ear. He disentangled himself from the TV aerial and tried to get his heart started again while staring at its source. "Ayanami?!"

"A trifle melodramatic, but an improvement on the earlier version."

"H-how long have you been reading over my shoulder?"

"Since you sat down on Miss Blackrose's couch. Will you be continuing the story?"

"I...wh...don't tell Asuka about it! Please!"

"Why not?"

"She'd tease me about it for weeks! Please?"

"Very well, I will not. I doubt she heard your scream, although I suspect you woke some of the deceased individuals over in the Yami No Matsuei quarter. She imbibed a great deal of alcohol last night."

"You didn't?"

"Asuka insisted I match her intake, but my metabolism does not react so strongly to it. My coordination is not at optimum levels, however. I think I shall return home and rest - fortunately, I do not have to appear in any fics today."

"Lucky you. I think I'm supposed to be doing a crossover this afternoon. Someone probably thought 'CSI Tokyo-3' was a terribly original idea."

"I wish you luck."

"Thanks. See you later."

As Rei left, Shinji hastily switched off the computer in case Asuka really had heard him screaming. So much for his fic remaining his dirty little secret...Rei might ask about it at an inopportune moment, too. Not to mention the fact that it was taking him altogether too long to get to the juicy bits, what with trying to keep himself in character. Still, the process of getting there was proving interesting - the story seemed to be taking on a bizarre life of its own.

_**Author's Notes: **__Well! I finally got my fundament in gear and finished chapter 2 after a geological period of time, after I recently received a new review for chapter 1. I got thoroughly bogged down after writing the beginning of the scene in Helena's apartment, partly because (like Author!Shinji) I couldn't decide how to play it out. The original plan was for it to progress rapidly to silly quasi-romantic quasi-smutty fluff similar to the locker-room scene from the first chapter, but when I returned to the fic I ended up writing the much more "realistically" angsty scene that became Shinji's final version. However, I then realised the chapter wouldn't be funny (or at least silly) enough for my liking, so I went back and wrote the OOC fluff version of the scene that now forms Shinji's first draft._

_While I'm yammering on, I would like to thank whoever submitted this story to the Anti-Mary Sue community list. It gives me and my ego warm and fuzzy feelings to be listed next to Limyaael's "The Game of the Gods". Many thanks also to everyone who reviewed chapter 1, even if in the majority of cases that was over 3 years ago._

_Hopefully the gap between chapters 2 and 3 will be somewhat shorter than that between chapters 1 and 2. Next time we visit the Land of Broken Fourth Walls, Shinji tries to get his story back on track and prevent Asuka from finding out about it, and Rei continues to take an interest in his progress. Also, our heroes are forced to appear in yet more silly fanfics written by people who apparently watched Eva with either the dialogue or the subtitles or both switched off. Neon Genesis Self-Insertion will return with __**Episode Three: A New Plot Device**_


	3. Episode 3: A New Plot Device

_Standard Disclaimer: Evangelion is the creation of Hideaki Anno, Yoshiyuki Sadamoto _et al _and the_ _property of Studio Gainax. No money is being made from this fanfic and it will be removed if the above parties so request. All your base are belong to us._

**Previously on Neon Genesis Self-Insertion:**

Attempting to continue his Mary Sue fanfic (the imaginatively titled _Evangelion: The New Girl_) without alerting a drunkenly sleeping Asuka, Shinji ran into creative difficulties when he tried to write himself out of character. As a result, the steamy snogging scene in which goth-dressing new pilot Helena Blackrose declared her love for him was replaced by a giant puddle of angst in which he rejected her advances and left without getting any action. This was not how Shinji had planned for his story to go, and to make matters worse, it turned out Rei had been reading over his shoulder. We return to the Land of Broken Fourth Walls a few weeks later...

**Neon Genesis Self-Insertion**

**Episode 3: A New Plot Device**

Shinji left Studio Four at top speed, not having even bothered with a shower in case Kaworu invited him to share a cubicle again. After eight and a half solid days of filming yaoi fics, he had had quite enough of that sort of thing. _Thank Lilith _that's_ over,_ he thought to himself. _Who would have thought that the EvaSlash group's Me/Kaworu ficathon would get so many responses? It must be those new movies getting everyone excited._ Gloomily, he wondered if there would be a big increase in fics once the Rebuild became more widely available.

His pessimistic musings were interrupted as he almost bumped into Rei, who was walking up the stairs in front of him. "Sorry, Ayanami. Er...hi."

"Good afternoon, Ikari. I hope you are not too tired after the ficathon."

"Um, I guess it wasn't too bad. You heard about it?"

"Mr. Kaworu could talk of nothing else last week when we were filming the latest chapter of 'Angelic Lust'."

"Ah..."

"It certainly seemed to increase his enthusiasm for the task at hand. It was not unsatisfying, and the director seemed most pleased."

Shinji's brain was trying to spontaneously chew its way out of his skull, so he failed to catch Rei's next question. "Pardon?"

"Have you written any more of your own fanfic yet?"

"Just a little - I've been pretty busy, and before the ficathon started I was getting a bit stuck."

"May I see what you have written? Perhaps I might be able to assist."

"OK...it's not very good, though."

"I shall judge that for myself."

--

_Next day, Tokyo-3 High School_

Any hopes Shinji might have had of being able to avoid Helena after the previous night's events went straight out the window when Hikari announced the arrival of a new student to the class. A traitorous thought whispered that she looked very fetching in the navy blue girls' uniform with its yellow ribbon and distractingly short skirt. He tried to lock said thought away in the back of his mind, but it staged a daring jailbreak with the help of several other traitorous thoughts which had probably been responsible for his bittersweet dreams last night. They then proceeded to sing a rousing musical number about how he didn't know a good thing when he saw it. He hurriedly imposed martial law on the inside of his head and had all the traitorous thoughts shot for sedition.

--

"An interesting metaphor, though perhaps taken a little too far." Rei commented as she read the first paragraph.

"Yeah, I kind of drove that one into the ground." Shinji replied, embarrassed.

--

"...my star sign is Virgo, my favourite food is sushi, and my personal hero is Shinji Ikari!" Completing her introduction, Helena flashed the rest of the class a V-sign and a dazzling smile, and went to sit down - in the seat right next to Shinji's, naturally. Shinji let his head slide down onto his desk as a wave of excited gossip, and the occasional wolf-whistle, washed over him.

He sat through the morning in a daze, turning off his computer's message function to avoid the constant gossip-hunting queries he was sent (and the repeated messages from Helena). When lunchtime finally arrived, however, escaping the Inquisition proved more difficult.

"So Shinji, what's the deal with you an' the new girl? You got somethin' goin' on wit' her?" Touji asked, as he and Kensuke parked themselves on either side of Shinji.

"No." he replied, hoping that the stonewall approach would persuade his friends to leave him alone. He feigned deep interest in the contents of his lunchbox.

Touji was not so easily deterred, however. "Then what's all this about you bein' her personal hero?"

Shinji sighed. "It's nothing. She just thinks I'm great because of the stuff I did piloting Eva."

"I knew it!" Kensuke exclaimed. "Giant robot pilots get all the girls! By the way, did you find out who the pilot for Unit 05's going to be yet?"

"Umm...actually, Helena is."

"What? Damn...still, you should ask her out, then! The power of love will make you into an unstoppable duo! Just like..." Kensuke's half-serious rant was cut off by Touji clonking him on the head.

"He's got a point in there somewhere, y'know. She obviously digs ya, you should go for it. She's cute, and not a crazy demon-bitch-"

"I HEARD THAT!"

"-and I bet she looks hot in one of those plugsuits." Touji gave a lecherous wink.

"But she doesn't really know me!" Shinji protested. "She just likes me because I did a bunch of stuff that looked cool." He ignored the part of his mind that was trying to point out that Helena had already rebutted that accusation.

Touji shrugged. "Girls like guys who do cool stuff all the time. Look at Hiro on the track team - he's got a different girl every week, and all he can do is run real fast. You kill giant monsters an' save the world. I know it ain't really that simple, but...eh. I just think you should go for it." Kensuke enthusastically nodded agreement.

"Well, I'm not going to." Shinji said defensively. "She's just being a stupid fangirl, and she'll stop once she's been around me for a while."

"Yer loss."

"Hey, if you're not going to ask her out, can you get some pictures of her in her plugsuit?" Kensuke asked. "I bet I could make a lot of money from them - and you'd get a finder's fee, obviously."

"NO!"

_That afternoon_

Asuka and Hikari were going shopping that afternoon, so Shinji looked forward to a peaceful walk home. However, as he was exiting the school gates, a familiar figure fell into step with him.

"Hi!" said Helena brightly, as if nothing untoward had happened the night before.

"Mm." Shinji prayed that she would take a hint and leave him alone.

"I heard you talking to your friends about me."

"Mm."

"I thought they had some pretty good advice."

"Mm."

"I must remember to speak to the guy with the glasses and find out how much I could get for pictures of myself in my plugsuit. I could use some spending money."

"M-what?!" Shinji walked into a lamppost with a comical clanging noise as he turned to gape at her.

"Good, that got your attention. So how about it, Shinji? Going out with me, I mean, not selling pictures of me in my plugsuit. Although if you want some for private viewing..."

"S-stop it! I don't want to go out with you, okay? Just leave me alone!"

"Why not?" Her voice cracked as she glared at him, and he suddenly felt like a jerk. He also noticed that people were starting to stare at them, so he moved closer to her and lowered his voice.

"I already told you! I'm sorry...I...it's nice of you to say all this stuff about me, but I'm not who you think I am. Really."

"So you think I'm an idiot?" Helena asked, starting (to his horror) to sniffle.

"What? No!"

"So, what, I'm not an idiot but I'm somehow completely wrong about you? Even though I've seen things about you almost no-one else knows about? You're not the only one who got dragged into piloting, you know! I thought you would understand...I hoped you...but all I did was make you hate me." The tears were flowing down her cheeks now, and Shinji could hear disapproving mutters from the small crowd of onlookers they now had.

"Stop it! I don't hate you!"

"Then don't act like it!" Sobbing, Helena turned and ran off. Shinji wanted to go after her, but cowardice won out and he walked away in the opposite direction, head down, not really caring where his feet took him.

--

"So...yeah. I've established that Helena likes the story's version of me, and that he's too conflicted to respond or do anything about it, but I don't know where to go now." Shinji summed up.

"You presumably intend for yourself and Miss Blackrose to eventually become involved?" asked Rei, turning away from the screen to regard him pensively.

"Um, yes. I was planning to have them hook up right away - you saw the first draft of the scene in her apartment - but I realized that was out of character. Trouble is, I'm stuck for a way to get there realistically now. All the ideas I come up with either involve something unrealistic or contrived, or require story-me to go through a gradual change until he's willing to accept that Helena really likes him properly. I'd have to write loads of chapters dealing with that last one, and I don't really want to do that...sorry, this must seem really pathetic."

"I find it intriguing. You appear to be mimicking the plot structure of many other stories involving original characters, such as the ones where a new pilot joins NERV and Miss Sohryu or myself - or both - immediately or at least rapidly fall for him or her. Yet you seem unwilling to engage in the necessary alteration of the personality of the new character's romantic object - in this case, yourself."

Shinji shifted uncomfortably. "I guess."

"So you require a means of bringing together yourself and Miss Blackrose in a way that does not require unrealistic out of character behaviour or extended preliminary character development." Rei returned her gaze to the text on the screen and remained silent for a while.

_I should just forget the whole thing, _Shinji thought to himself. _It was just supposed to be a bit of fun, not some kind of soul-searching exercise. Maybe I could start again from-_

"I believe I have determined the true cause of your dilemma." Rei said suddenly, causing him to jump.

"Y-you have?"

"Yes. You are portraying yourself in too noble a light."

"What?! But I'm - I mean story-me is being totally pathetic!" Shinji exclaimed, confused.

"I disagree. You are obviously physically and emotionally attracted to Miss Blackrose, yet you refuse to pursue those feelings because you feel her attraction to you is not in some way 'real'. This suggests that you are denying yourself the likely pleasure of a relationship with her out of devotion to a romantic ideal which - as you had Mr. Suzuhara allude to in the text - many relationships do not adhere to."

"But story-me wants to be with someone who likes him for who he is! Wanting to be liked for something other than my achievements has always been part of my character, I can't just change that!" he protested.

"Indeed, I would not deny that, although we could have a long conversation about whether or not your achievements are part of your 'self'. However, is it not true that you have compromised and accepted praise for your achievements as an Eva pilot on numerous occasions, such as when your father congratulated you for the defeat of the Tenth Angel?"

"Don't remind me."

"I am sorry to bring back unpleasant memories. However, those occasions I have mentioned are the key to allowing you to move this story forward. All you have to do is give in, as it were, to your desire to accept Miss Blackrose's advances. You can portray this decision as a mistake or a personal turning point later, or both, as you desire."

"Do you mean that story-me is out of character at the moment because he hasn't compromised his resolve?"

"Not as such. I would simply argue that it would not be out of character to do so eventually. At present, I believe you are perhaps giving yourself too much credit for resolve, particularly if you view weakness as your reason for behaving as you have toward Miss Blackrose. A weak-willed person would be more likely to have responded to her advances and justified doing so later."

Shinji's brow furrowed as he considered this. Was Rei right? It was odd to think that he wasn't being self-deprecating enough, but her argument was persuasive. More importantly, it would allow him to get on with the story.

"OK," he said. "Now I just have to figure out a way to work the change of heart in plausibly, since I've built up story-me's resolve so much."

"I suggest that you give Miss Blackrose some kind of opportunity to demonstrate that her feelings for you are more genuine than you had suspected, and either build on the advice you have already been given or have similar advice given to you by another character. The combination of those two factors should make it plausible for the two of you to become involved."

He nodded. "I could do that...yeah, that works. Thanks very much, Rei!"

"It is nothing. However, I would like you to do something for me in return."

"Sure, anything."

A hint of a smile crossed Rei's features. "I would like you to write a similar story, introducing another new pilot as a love interest for me. I will consider some of the details and convey them to you later."

Shinji's jaw dropped, and he was still in a state of mental discombobulation when Rei got up. "I must go. A challenge was issued for the writing of erotic stories featuring me recently on a well-attended message board, and I will require rest to prepare for the results."

--

_Five days later_

Shinji succeeded in mostly avoiding Helena for the remainder of the week. At school, he periodically caught her gazing forlornly at him, but she always turned away when he looked in her direction. The hurt look on her face filled him with guilt, but it had the side effect of reinforcing his conviction that she was way off-base with her admiration for him.

Sunday brought his next scheduled synch test, which he anticipated with considerable trepidation, given that it was sure to involve a) one or more awkward corridor encounters, b) Helena in a plugsuit, c) Helena _not_ in a plugsuit, and d) resolve-weakening thoughts and memories involving b) and c). His worst fears were realized when he found himself sharing the lift down to the testing station with the girl in question. To his relief, she did not attempt to throw any heavy objects at him, throw herself at him, or indeed attempt conversation. Instead, she folded her arms, stared resolutely at a point several feet to his left, and generated a palpable silence which Shinji was disinclined to break.

He suppressed a sigh of relief as they headed for their separate changing rooms, and felt almost calm as he donned his plugsuit. Maybe he was starting to wear her down. Once she'd got over this infatuation with him, maybe being around her would be easier and he could make friends with her normally, maybe even...no, wait, that didn't compute. He derailed that train of thought by banging his head against a pillar, and headed for the testing bay.

_Two hours later_

Shinji sighed, exhaling some bubbles into the LCL, and tapped his fingers on the side of his seat. He was bored. Spectacularly bored. Mind-numbingly bored. He would almost have welcomed an awkward conversation with Helena at this point.

"Almost finished, Shinji." Dr. Akagi's voice said over the intercom. "We just need to do this one more set of adjustments, then-"

Shinji missed the rest of the sentence as a sudden pressure exploded into his mind. Even as he screamed in pain and clutched his head, the pressure vanished, along with the sight, sound, smell, taste and feel of the testing plug around him. A black void of sensory deprivation engulfed him, then it vanished in its turn and he found himself falling through a kaleidoscope of images and impressions, none remaing stable for long enough to be identified.

After a few moments, he realized that there was one constant in the melange - a human figure directly ahead of him, seemingly falling in the opposite direction. As it drew closer, he realized that it was a mirror image of himself. No, wait - suddenly it had turned into Helena, wearing the familiar black and silver plugsuit, her hair flying behind her and her mouth open in a cry of shock - now it was him again - now Helena - and then they collided, and the world changed again.

(He bawled in five-year-old incomprehension as his father walked away from him without a backward glance.)

(He sat in Unit-01's entry plug, trapped inside the 12th Angel, and waited to die.)

(He listened to two of his classmate's parents gossiping about him and his parents where they thought he couldn't hear, and pretended not to care.)

(She looked up in trepidation at the towering white figure of Unit-05. Its eyes seemed to meet hers, and she shivered.)

(He walked out of the train station into the eerily silent streets of Tokyo-3, and caught sight of the ghostly figure of a girl he had never met, who nonetheless seemed familiar.)

(She screamed and tried to run into the flame-filled room from which her parents had been waving to her only seconds ago, but the people around her held her back.)

(He roared with berserker fury as he drove Unit-01's progressive knife deeper into the Fourth Angel's core, ignoring the searing of its tentacles in his side as if it was nothing.)

(She stared into the mirror as she tried to comb a last knot of congealed LCL out of her hair. The person looking back at her didn't look like a saviour of humanity; just a pale, skinny girl with big sad eyes, tense, hunched shoulders and breasts that weren't especially-)

_Wait, what the hell?!_

(She hesitantly called out a greeting to the boy standing outside the door to the other changing room. He turned, and her heart skipped a beat as she realized it was Shinji Ikari, the person she had been hoping to meet for so long. He looked so preoccupied and intense, as if he carried the whole weight of the world - which, of course, he did. Well, she'd see if she could do something about that.)

(Her heart pounded furiously as Shinji's hands brushed her bare skin, then moved away hurriedly. It seemed he was quite the shy gentleman. She felt terribly wicked putting him in this position - she probably could have figured out the plugsuit with a little more thought - but dammit, if anyone deserved some wicked female attention, it was him!)

_I shouldn't be seeing this,_ Shinji thought to himself in horror, but there was nothing he could do to stop the flood of Helena's memories. Her entire life - her entire self - was pouring into him. Her baby hand clutching her father's finger. The walk to her first day of school. Every tear she shed when her parents died. The painful thudding of her heartbeat the day she asked out the handsome older boy in her advanced science class.

He also, most shockingly of all, saw himself through Helena's eyes. He barely recognized the Shinji in her mind, who was an almost superhuman figure that shadowed every memory she had relating to Eva piloting. Every time she choked on LCL, or failed to synchronize, or missed a target, her mind would always turn to that inspirational figure. His example had kept her going through long and difficult times.

It struck Shinji, as he viewed his own recorded actions through Helena's eyes, that nothing was different except the mental perspective that accompanied the images. Where he saw himself being weak and indecisive, she saw him struggling with impossible tasks and succeeding despite every setback. What he saw as pathetic displays, she saw as heroic teeth-gritting. In a shattering moment of clarity, he understood that her affection...her love for him was not fake, or shallow, or founded on a lie. It was genuine, and deep, and based on a touching compassion for him.

--

_Was that too melodramatic?_ Shinji thought worriedly, pausing in his typing. _It might be a bit too much...eh, to hell with it._ "If people don't like it, they don't have to read it." he said out loud in as decisive a tone as he could manage, and resumed writing. He was too intent to notice Pen-Pen behind him covering his eyes with a flipper, groaning theatrically and waddling off in search of beer.

--

The mental connection abruptly cut out, and Shinji found himself back in his entry plug as Unit-01's systems shut down around him. He could hear what sounded like an argument coming in on the radio link to the control room.

"Sorry about that, you two." Ritsuko's voice said over the general babble. "Someone completely mis-connected the neural links to the Magi - someone who will be getting fired, if I have anything to do with it." There was an audible gulp in the background. "You may have experienced some temporary cross-connection."

"Is that technobabble for 'reading each other's minds'?" asked Helena over the channel from Unit-05. Her quip belied the shock Shinji could hear in her voice - he blinked at his uncharacteristic insight. But of course he would know how to read her mood now, wouldn't he? He recalled the warmth of the emotions he had felt in her, and began thinking frantically about how he could set things right between them.

"Yes," Ritsuko replied. "It doesn't look like there was any harm done, but we'll do a medical check once we've finished shutting down the Evas, just to be sure. For now, both of you can get changed - we're done for today."

Shinji hastily showered, skipped drying his hair and dressed rapidly, so as to be waiting outside the changing rooms when Helena emerged. His mind was still reeling with the revelations brought on by the accidental mental contact, but for once he felt confident that he might be able to say the right thing.

After nearly a quarter of an hour, which felt much longer, the door to the girls' changing room finally opened, and Helena came out. Shinji opened his mouth to speak, but stopped himself abruptly as he realized she was pale and downcast, her shoulders hunched and her eyes red from crying.

"Shinji," she said in a small voice. "I'm so sorry. You must hate me."

"Hate you?" Shinji gasped. "Of course not! How could I-"

"I'm so silly." Helena continued. "I acted like I understood you, when I didn't know how bad things really were. I must have sounded so dumb with my stupid crush, like I could save your tormented soul or something. I understand now why you were annoyed. I'll leave you alone now, I promise. I had no right to-"

"Please don't." Shinji said, surprised both at his sudden initiative and the horrible sinking feeling he felt at the thought of losing her.

"What?"

"I was wrong too. I thought you were being stupid, that you didn't care about the real me, but I was wrong. You did see what was really there, you just saw it...differently to the way I did."

"But I didn't! I just thought you were scared - I didn't know about your father, or your mother, or everything else..."

"OK, yeah, you couldn't know the details." Shinji conceded. "But you saw my...my pain, and you cared. I never believed that before. I should be the one apologizing, not you."

"Nonsense, you were quite right-"

"No I wasn't! You couldn't have known all about my life, it wasn't your fault!"

"And you could have known about mine? I didn't know you were a mind-reader on top of everything else!" Helena's face was red with annoyance now, as Shinji suspected his own was. He decided this was an improvement on her feeling miserable, and noticed that they were standing much closer together than they had been a moment ago, their faces inches apart as they continued to argue.

"For the last time-" Helena said after several more rounds of each of them denying that the other was in any way guilty of any wrongdoing, then broke off and smiled wryly. "Why exactly are we arguing about this?" she wondered.

"I don't know. It's kind of stupid. Maybe...maybe we should just say we were both equally wrong?" Shinji asked tentatively.

"I guess I can live with that. Quits?" Helena stuck out her hand with a grin, and Shinji shook it, glad to see her more like her usual self.

"By the way...I was sorry about your parents." Shinji said after a moment's awkward silence.

"Me too. About yours, I mean. Shinji..."

"Yes?"

"What happens now? I mean...things can't really stay the same now, can they?"

"Well, I did some thinking about that," Shinji said. "And I came to some conclusions."

Helena raised an eyebrow. "Oh? And what might those be?"

Somehow without any accompanying feeling of terror, Shinji put his hands gently on her shoulders and leaned forward to kiss her. She did not pull away. Their noses did not bump. The brief, soft contact sent a thrill through him, as Helena's arms slid round his back in response. "I changed my mind," he said with a smile as their lips parted again. "I would like to go out with you."

The shock he got from Helena's answering squeal of delight caused him to lose balance, sending both of them tumbling to the corridor floor in a tangle of limbs. Helena partially extricated herself to look down at him, her sweet-scented hair falling around both their faces. Her smile conveyed both delight and a certain knee-weakeningly wicked promise. "What makes you think I haven't moved on already?" she teased.

"Um...that rather interesting dream you had last night?" Shinji blurted out.

"Oh...you mean this one?"

What promised to be a most enjoyable (and educational) liplock was tragically cut short by the wail of the emergency klaxon. "ATTENTION. ANGEL APPROACHING. ALL PILOTS TO EVANGELIONS. REPEAT, ALL PILOTS TO EVANGELIONS."

"Damn." Shinji groaned as they tried to disentangle themselves.

"I guess we'll have to pick this up later." Helena abruptly turned serious. "Shinji...I won't let you down. I promise."

"I believe you."

"Good...now let's go save the world together!"

--

Shinji dusted his hands together with a feeling of satisfaction. It had been hard work and had involved a not-entirely-original plot device, but he had finally managed to get the story back on track. Now he could get down to the important business of vicariously living out his frustrated romantic fantasies!

His satisfied basking was cut short by the sound of the door, and he scrambled to save and close the file as Asuka strode in. "There better be some beer left in that fridge, or someone will die. I just spent all day doing a _schreckliche_ Pokemon crossover."

"Um...how bad was it?" Shinji asked.

"Stupider than you can possibly imagine. Ach, _verdammt_! There's nothing but Guinness left! Who keeps buying that stuff anyway?"

"Wark wark." Pen-Pen shook his head.

"What's up with you, anyway?" Asuka asked Shinji crossly, opening a can.

"Nothing." he replied hastily. Asuka narrowed her eyes but said nothing.

_**Author's Notes:**__ Once again, many thanks to everyone who reviewed, and apologies for the (thankfully not quite so ludicrously long) wait for this chapter. Neon Genesis Self-Insertion will return with __**Episode IV: The Lemon Menace**__._


	4. Episode 4: The Lemon Menace

_Standard Disclaimer: Evangelion is the creation of Hideaki Anno, Yoshiyuki Sadamoto _et al _and the_ _property of Studio Gainax. No money is being made from this fanfic and it will be removed if the above parties so request. All your base are belong to us._

**Neon Genesis Self-Insertion**

**Episode 4: The Lemon Menace**

"Hey, Wondergirl. Is Shinji up to something?"

"Why would you think so?"

"Well, he seems really furtive lately, as if he was hiding something. Has he heard about some more horrifying than usual fanfic we're going to have to appear in soon or something?"

"No."

"How do you know?"

"I cannot say."

"'I cannot say' as in 'I used my freaky mind powers to find out' or 'I cannot say' as in 'I know what he's really hiding, but I'm not telling you'?"

"I cannot say."

"That's really annoying, you know."

"I apologize."

"Just give me a hint! Is he stealing my underwear? Planning a surprise party? About to admit how much he really enjoys some of those fics he does with Kaworu?"

"I cannot say."

"Fine, be like that. I'll find out eventually."

"Okay girls, we're ready for the closeup," called the voice of the day's director from the far side of the soundstage. "Camera rolling in 5...4...3...2...1...action! Heh heh...'action'."

Asuka heaved a deep sigh and resumed trying to remove Rei's shirt with her teeth.

--

Asuka would have been disgusted but unsurprised to learn that at that very moment, Shinji was reading the long-promised lemon chapter of _Harry's Dead Sexy Goth Rawker Sister Falls In Love With Draco_. Purely for research purposes, you understand.

--

Krystyna looked up at the stars from the balcony of Draco's private tower in the Forbidden Forest. Now that she and Draco had pledged their love for each other, she was more than prepared to give herself to him totally, but she was unsure whether Draco's tormented, guarded soul was ready for such a step yet. If not tonight, she thought, then let it be soon. She shivered at the thought of far more passionate embraces than they had yet shared, and blushed faintly at the memory of the time she had encountered him in the prefects' bathroom.

"Hello, my darling." Draco's arms encircled her from behind, and he pressed a glass of Firewhiskey into her hand and kissed the back of her neck, which made her shiver delightedly again. She turned round, and realized that he had taken off his shirt. She swallowed hard and took a drink to cover it up, running her eyes down his slim, muscled torso.

"Like what you see, my love?" Draco asked, grinning and caressing her cheek.

"Oh yes," she breathed, and curiously reached out to touch his bare chest with her free hand. His skin was wondrously smooth, like warm silk.

"You look a little overdressed," Draco commented. "Let's do something about that."

Her heart turning somersaults of joy, Krystyna set down her glass and walked into the bedroom. Turning to face Draco, who looked ravishing with his pale skin and hair silhouetted against the night sky, she began unfastening the back of her dress.

"No, allow me." With a wave of Draco's hand, the laces down her back and the girdle at her waist began coming apart of their own accord. In no time at all, the dress had slid to the floor and she stood unashamed in all her beauty, letting him drink in the sight of her. His frank gaze seemed to set her on fire. Two swift strides brought him to her. Tracing feather-soft caresses across her bare skin, he divested her of her remaining clothing and lowered her gently onto the massive black-draped bed.

Krystyna shuddered with divine ecstasy as Draco lay down and embraced her, his hands trailing provocatively down her body. Abandoning all restraint, she clutched at him with a longing cry, wanting to touch him everywhere at once. She fumbled to unfasten his belt, slid one hand inside his leather trousers and felt a warm hardness which she knew to be his mighty Slytherin serpent.

--

Shinji stared in bafflement at the screen for a while. He re-read the last sentence to make sure he hadn't imagined it. Then he re-read it again. Then he burst into helpless howls of laughter, clutching at the desk to avoid falling out of his chair. Pen-Pen peered out of his fridge, then ducked back in once he had reassured himself that no other signs of the Apocalypse had manifested themselves.

Once he had calmed down sufficiently, Shinji skimmed the remainder of the chapter. He shook his head repeatedly, lapsed twice more into fits of laughter, and finally accessed Wikipedia to confirm that much of what he was reading was, indeed, anatomically impossible. It was. Shaking his head ruefully, he reminded himself that he should really know better than to be surprised by this kind of thing any more, given how many bad lemon fics he had appeared in himself.

He logged off the Internet and opened the file for _Evangelion: The New Girl_. It was a good thing he hadn't got as far as the big love scene when he left off writing last night - he almost certainly would have had to go back and change it after reading that train-wreck. Now, he decided, he would go for a less descriptive approach, which would make it easier to avoid any similarity to what he had just read.

He snorted with laughter again as he started to review his most recent work. "Mighty Slytherin serpent. Gah!"

--

"We're deploying you both directly into the Geofront," Misato explained over the videolink as Shinji sat in Unit-01, which was being moved onto one of the catapults. "The Angel appeared almost within the city limits - it's blasting through the armour layers as if they weren't even there."

"Understood." Shinji replied, taking deep breaths to hold his fear at bay and trying to concentrate on strengthening his synchronization with the Eva. He glanced down at the image of Helena on his viewscreen. He had something new to fight for now. If she believed in him, perhaps he could believe in himself and live up to the Shinji in her mind. He would win.

He would.

"Helena, you'll provide fire support for Shinji with one of the positron rifles once the Angel breaks in. If it draws a bead on you, get clear and head for the second armoury station - jettison your umbilical and the rifle and use Unit-05's flight capability if you have to, don't let it hit you with its beam weapon. Shinji, your job is to get in close and neutralize its AT field, then engage it in melee. We're deploying a progressive axe for you to pick up after launch." Misato finished. Got that?"

"Roger!" the pilots chorused in unison. Helena blew Shinji a kiss, and he smiled back before the video-link was cut.

"Eva-01, Eva-05, launch!"

Shinji was shoved down into his seat as the cataput rocketed upwards. When he saw the domed ceiling of the Geo-Front through his Eva's eyes, he moved almost before the catapult had finished slamming to a halt, grabbing the progressive axe from its mount and heading for the centre of the underground chamber. He saw a flash of light from the retracted buildings at the dome's apex, then several of them exploded and began to fall towards the ground below. Where they had been, a gaping hole filled with billowing smoke let in a few shafts of sunlight, before the Angel began to descend through the breach.

It resembled, disturbingly, a limbless human torso, coloured a bright orange and white. Missiles, shells and streams of tracer bullets converged on it from the defence stations on the Geo-Front floor, but none of them even got close, instead exploding harmlessly some distance from the Angel's body. Its large black eyes, set deep into its mask-like face, flashed brightly and half a dozen weapons emplacements vanished in a cross-shaped explosion.

Unit-05's positron rifle fired, the brilliant white beam hitting the Angel head-on. It burned through the AT field but only scorched the thing's torso, and it returned fire. Shinji saw Unit-05 scramble from cover to cover, the power cable for the positron rifle trailing after it. Its own AT field flashed as one of the Angel's shots struck it a glancing blow. Ignoring the continued fire of the conventional weapons, it continued to descend, blasting away more chunks of landscape as it sought to close with Unit-05. Another positron rifle shot knocked it back briefly, but its return fire knocked Helena's Eva sprawling.

Unable to wait any longer, Shinji spread his own AT field and charged to meet the Angel. Their respective fields clashed in a blaze of orange light as it turned to meet him, but he tore his way through the barrier and swung the progressive axe at its side. He landed a solid blow, but there was no apparent damage – this Angel had a tougher hide than any they had yet encountered. The Angel completed its turn, bringing its core into view, and Shinji stabbed for the traditional weak point with all of Unit-01's might. A rigid shell of material slammed into place around it as he did so, however, and the axe simply scraped across it in a shower of sparks.

Ribbon-like arms unfolded from the creature's shoulders and slashed downwards, one slicing the axe in half while the other tore Unit-01's left arm off at the elbow with terrifying ease. Shinji screamed in sympathetic pain as his Eva lost its balance and crashed to the ground on its back. The Angel loomed over him, then vanished in a flash of white light. He blacked out momentarily.

"Shinji! Wake up!" Misato's voice snapped him back to consciousness. "We've cut the linkage to the lost arm – can you still function?"

"Yes," Shinji replied, pulling Unit-01 up. "Where's the Angel?"

"Helena managed to damage it by overcharging the rifle – it's pursuing her in the air now. Get to the nearest weapon station, she can't hold it for long!"

He took stock of the situation as he scrambled to the resupply building and fumbled to pick up a rocket launcher one-handed. Unit-05 was flitting across the Geofront roof using its wings, with the Angel in pursuit. The Eva remained just ahead of its slicing arms and energy blasts, occasionally returning fire ineffectually with an assault rifle.

"Get its attention quickly, Shinji," Misato ordered. "Helena's running low on energy without a power cord." Even as she spoke, Unit-05 lost its rifle and narrowly avoided a slash aimed at its right wing.

"I'm on it!" Shinji aimed and fired, holding down the rocket launcher's trigger to pump an entire magazine into the already closing wound on the Angel's back. A few chunks of flesh were torn away, but it ignored them and pressed home its attack on Unit-05. The white Eva deflected one ribbon with its progressive knife (which was torn apart), but the second connected with its left wing and cleanly sliced the appendage off. Unit-05 plunged towards the Geofront floor, Helena's screams resounding gut-wrenchingly in his ears.

"Helena!" Heart in his mouth, Shinji ran to intercept the falling Eva. He just managed to get under it in time, breaking its fall with Unit-01's remaining hand. They crashed to the ground together, crushing several buildings but sustaining no serious damage.

"Look out!" At Misato's warning shout, the two pilots instinctively rolled their Evas apart, just in time to avoid the blast that tore a crater into the earth beneath where they had been lying.

"I'm sorry, Shinji..." Helena said, her window reappearing.

"Don't worry about it."Shinji deployed his progressive knife – it wouldn't be much use, but it was better than nothing – as he rolled the Eva to its feet. He gritted his teeth and moved to shield Unit-05 as it tried to retract its remaining wing and stand up. The descending Angel actually bounced off the AT field blocking its path, and he realized that Helena was reinforcing his field with her own. Emboldened, he advanced to strike the Angel, but it drifted up out of reach. Shinji saw red, his anger fuelled by the primal instinct to destroy the creature that had hurt the person designated in his animal hindbrain as 'mate'. His vision blurred as he reached vainly towards the sky, and he felt the terrifying berserker fury of his Eva beginning to awaken. All sensation in his own body vanished, almost as if he was dissolving into the LCL.

_Not today. Someone else needs you more._ The voice sounded strangely like Rei's, and as it spoke he felt the pressure in his mind lessen. He was back in full control of himself and of the Eva, but now it was rising into the sky to meet the Angel, borne on wings fashioned from its own AT field. The ribbons that had torn into both Evas' flesh shattered against those wings, and he managed to drive his progressive knife into the core before it could deploy its shield.

As Unit-01 rose above the blossoming explosion of the Angel's death, its wings enveloping it in an orange halo, Shinji smiled. Winning felt good when there was a purpose to it.

--

Shinji climbed out of the entry plug hatch to cheers from the technicians and mechanics clustered on the gantries. He smiled hesitantly and raised a hand to acknowledge them, then glanced over to the next berth where Unit-05 was already having its entry plug taken away. A black-clad figure pushing her way in his direction through the surrounding personnel caught his eye, and he hurried down the ladder propped against Unit-01's shoulder.

Helena arrived before his feet touched the walkway, throwing her arms around him and kissing him enthusiastically (provoking a chorus of good-natured catcalls and wolf-whistles). He could feel himself turning red with embarrassment at the public display of affection, but firmly clamped down on the instinct to freeze and returned the gesture as best he could. Unfortunately, he had to break the kiss far too soon to cough up some stray LCL.

"Smooth, Shinji," said a familiar voice. "Spewing orange goo always impresses the girls."

"M-Misato!"

"Major Katsuragi!" Helena nervously backed away from him and jumped to something approximating attention. "I'm sorry, I shouldn't have-"

"Relax, Helena," Misato said with considerable amusement. "I'm not aware of any rule saying I have to stop pilots enjoying post-battle makeout sessions in the Eva hangars. I am supposed to make sure you get properly checked over by the medical staff, though, so go and get changed – preferably _separately_ – and see Dr. Akagi, then go home and get some rest."

"Thank you for saving me out there, Shinji," Helena said, taking his hand as they made their way through the crowd. "I wasn't much use, I'm afraid."

"That's not true!" Shinji protested. "I thought we made a pretty good team."

"You say the nicest things," Helena said. She pressed herself up against his arm in a highly distracting way, and continued in a low, husky voice. "Want to come to my apartment and...celebrate...after we get checked up?"

Shinji gulped. "S-sure."

Helena broke away from him with a sultry smile that made his knees weak. "Wonderful. Don't take too long in the shower now...unless you're thinking of me." Winking, she skipped off to the girls' changing rooms.

--

"I take it the inevitable explicit sex scene will be next?" Rei queried as she read Shinji's latest work.

"Well, sort of. I'm not going to make it that, um, explicit. Just...kind of start it off, then fade to black."

"I see. A sensible choice, perhaps." Rei paused, then took out a sheet of paper from her pocket. "These are my requirements for the fic I requested."

"Oh, right." Shinji took the sheet, and skimmed it. "This doesn't look too difficult to do...I'll start on it right away."

"There is no hurry. The most important requirement, and the one I consider most difficult to fulfil, is the last. Otherwise I believe my instructions leave you considerable leeway to exercise your imagination."

Shinji looked again at the last item on the list, and smiled. "Rei, this just says the new pilot should love you for who you are. That doesn't seem so difficult. All the fans already love you the way you are. I'm the one who has to have a personality transplant or else gets shoved into the background," he commented bitterly.

Rei shook her head. "Not so. It is my opinion that many fanfic writers have a false image of me in their minds, one that has been reinforced by other fanfic writers and by merchandising. In particular, many seem to believe that I am desperately eager, or will rapidly become desperately eager when introduced to the idea, to be a 'normal girl' – for some definition of 'normal'. I am not 'normal'. I am content not to be 'normal'."

"Rei...I...I never really thought of it that way."

"Those who claim to find my abnormality attractive, yet would like to see me turned into a highly generic notion of how a girl should behave, are like those who break a thing in grasping it," Rei went on. "That is why I would like to be paired with an original character who has no desire for me to be something other than what I am."

"I'll do what I can," Shinji promised, though inwardly he felt rather less than adequate for the task.

Rei smiled. "Thank you."

--

_Later_

Shinji sat comfortably on Helena's sofa, sipping the last of his tea and trying not to feel nervous. After getting takeout, they had sat for a long time talking, kissing and cuddling, before Helena had announced her intention to "slip into something more comfortable" and disappeared into the bedroom.

He wondered briefly if they were taking things too fast – after all, they had just met a few days ago. He dismissed his worries, though, reminding himself that they knew each other far better than their short acquaintance would normally suggest – indeed, far better than he could have imagined knowing anyone – thanks to the cross-connection accident. Furthermore, he remembered vividly how close they had come to death that day, as they no doubt would again. It would be best to seize the moment rather than wallow in indecision.

The bedroom door slid open. "I'm back!" Helena announced cheerfully. Shinji turned to look at her, and his jaw dropped.

"You like it?" She spun on the spot to better display her elaborate nightgown, causing its short skirt to flare out. The garment was mostly black silk that clung to the curves of her body, with copious amounts of white lace at the hem and shoulders. It was held together at both front and back with a cat's cradle of ribbons and laces, tantalizing glimpses of skin showing between them.

"Yes..."

"That's good to hear," Helena giggled. She sat down on the sofa, pulling her feet up to drape her slim bare legs across his lap. Tentatively, Shinji let his hands rest on her ankles. When she made no objection, he began to gently run the ball of his thumb across her soft skin. He found a ticklish spot on the sole of her right foot, which made her giggle. Enjoying the sound, he continued, while moving his other hand slowly along her calf with bated breath.

His tickle-attack was countered by Helena throwing her arms around his neck and pulling him down towards her. She kissed the tip of his nose with a smirk. Shinji removed his hand from her foot to stroke her hair, staring into her beautiful dark eyes, which closed with an accompanying sigh of delight when his other hand moved past her knee.

"Shinji..."

"Is this OK?" he murmured, fairly sure it was but still feeling insecure nonetheless.

"Silly! Of course it is!" Helena laughed, pulling him closer and nuzzling into the crook of his shoulder. Her hands untucked his shirt and slipped underneath, her warm fingers feeling ridiculously good against his skin.

"Sorry, this is all kind of new to me..."

"Me too...ah! Don't stop that..."

"I...I love you, Helena," Shinji said after a very pleasant few minutes. He felt slightly lame and clichéd as he said the words, but didn't care too much – it was true, after all.

"And I love you, as you well know," Helena said, hugging him tightly. He had heard her say so before, and felt it in her mind, but it still felt so good to hear the words. "You know, this outfit is terribly troublesome," she whispered in his ear.

"Oh?" Shinji swallowed, his mouth suddenly very dry – he could guess where this was going.

She leaned back and stretched revealingly. "Yes, it's quite easy to put on, but very difficult to get out of. I think I may have need of your skills at clothing removal again tonight, Shinji."

"Ah...no problem."

Helena stood up abruptly. "In fact, I think I'd like you to remove it right now." She walked slowly round the sofa, hips swaying as his eyes followed her, and gave him a heart-stopping look over her shoulder before entering the bedroom.

"I mustn't run away." Shinji gathered his courage, got up and followed her.

--

Shinji mopped his brow, finished his iced tea, and saved the chapter. That had toed the line between fun and ridiculous rather well, he thought. He would post it later tonight, in case he thought of anything needing changing, but for now, while he was still in writing mode, he would have a think about how to do the fic Rei had requested. He took out her list of requirements:

_All canon characters must be portrayed realistically. Particularly myself._

_The new pilot should be a student at our school, or otherwise aware of my existence well before the beginning of the story._

_The new pilot may be male or female._

_The new pilot must pilot an unmodified Unit-03 (with or without possessing Angel) or Unit-04._

_The new pilot must be an unmodified human._

_The new pilot must love me for who I am._

--

He was still pondering how best to fulfil Rei's requests the next day, as he walked into Studio Three for his latest fic-filming appointment. He hadn't bothered to read the script once he heard it was another fic with an original character introduced as a new pilot – no doubt it would be more of the usual nonsense. Hopefully he wouldn't be written as too much of a useless third wheel in this one, and might at least get happily paired off with whichever one of Asuka and Rei this particular author didn't feel like sleeping with.

"Shinji?" An unfamiliar voice broke him out of his reverie. He turned to look at the speaker, and nearly fell over with shock when he recognized them.

"Shinji?" the pale, black-haired girl standing in front of him asked again. "It is you! I'm Helena Blackrose; I'm _so_ looking forward to working with you." She purred her last few words, and Shinji gulped.

"Um...hi."

"Have you read the script? It's such fun," Helena gushed. "I can't wait for our big scene in the first chapter where you help me take my plugsuit off! I hope the author writes a proper lemon scene later, though – maybe there'll be one in chapter five. Anyway, I'd better go change. See you...very soon." Batting her eyelashes, she skipped off, leaving Shinji staring after her open-mouthed.

_**Author's Notes: **Another long-delayed chapter, thanks to my breaking out of academic la-la-land and getting a job, moving to another country, then being distracted by other projects (check out my parody of Lord of the Rings Mary Sue/Marty Stu fics, **Steve of the Rings**!). _

_A little explanation regarding the last scene: naturally, Shinji's fic has ended up being filmed like any other, which he wasn't expecting. In this bizarro-world where characters have to appear in fanfics about them, people have the personality they were originally written with. Hence canon characters find appearing in OOC fics very annoying, but OCs are as their fic's author intended and thus tend to enjoy filming them much more._

_Rei's list of requirements for her own Marty Stu/Mary Sue Designated Love Interest fic is a deliberate setup for a possible sequel, and also a chance for some audience participation. So if you have an idea for the perfect shameless Stu/Sue partner to suit Rei's requirements and/or an associated plot, post it in a review. (If I actually produce a sequel, any ideas I borrow will of course be credited to the reviewer in question.)_

_Neon Genesis Self-Insertion will return with **Episode V: Revenge of the Angst**._


	5. Episode 5: Revenge of the Angst

_Standard Disclaimer: Evangelion is the creation of Hideaki Anno, Yoshiyuki Sadamoto _et al _and the_ _property of Studio Gainax. No money is being made from this fanfic and it will be removed if the above parties so request. All your base are belong to us._

**Neon Genesis Self-Insertion**

**Episode 5: Revenge of the Angst**

Helena stood up abruptly. "In fact, I think I'd like you to remove it right now." She walked slowly round the sofa, hips swaying as his eyes followed her, and gave him a heart-stopping look over her shoulder before entering the bedroom.

"I mustn't run away." Shinji gathered his courage, got up and followed her. He stopped at the door, and there was an awkward pause. "Oh, uh, cut."

"And that's a wrap!" called the robot cameraman. "Pleasure working with you in a different capacity, Mr. Ikari. Nice to meet you, Ms. Blackrose."

"Likewise!" Helena called from the bedroom. "Hey, Shinji?"

"Yes?" Shinji turned to look at her, and swallowed as he saw her sprawled on the bed, arms stretched lazily above her head and her hair spread artfully beneath her.

"You want to improv a continuation to that last scene?"

"Uh, no thanks."

"Awww, why not?"

"We have a sort of rule about this stuff...what happens in the fanfics stays in the fanfics. Sorry," Shinji added lamely. Truthfully, that wasn't really a hard-and-fast rule – he'd heard of people breaking it all the time – but he still felt confused and slightly disturbed about his Mary Sue love interest coming to life. Would 'creating' her and then getting involved with her count as some sort of exploitation? He preferred not to think about it too hard, and the easiest way to avoid that was to maintain a professional distance.

"Oh, come on. You wrote this fic, right? This is what you want, isn't it?" Helena ran a hand sensually down her front.

"I- Wait, you knew?"

"Of course, you were directing as well as starring, you must be the author. What a clever idea!"

"You don't...mind?"

"Of course not! I'm exactly where I want to be – scantily clad, on a bed, with you. And I'm ready for my closeup, Mr. Director."

Shinji thought for a moment. Then he decided thinking was a bad idea. "Well...all right. We should probably go somewhere else, though – they'll start dismantling this set soon."

"OK. I would say 'my place or yours?', but I don't have anywhere by myself yet – I'm rooming with a couple of Naruto author-inserts at the moment."

"That should be fine..." Misato was still away with Kaji, and he remembered Asuka raging about a 50,000 word yuri fic at breakfast this morning, so the apartment would be empty.

"Great! See you outside in ten minutes!" Helena jumped off the bed, gave him a quick kiss, and sped off to the changing rooms.

Shinji dragged out his ablutions for as long as possible, his head spinning. Was it really right to take advantage of this opportunity to be with someone who actually liked him for once? He asked himself that question over and over again. Then he remembered that he lived in a world where he had to star in other people's (often messed up) fantasies about him, and decided to put aside his moral quandary until such a time as his life made some kind of sense. At least it would be real, for some value of 'real'.

"I mustn't run away," he muttered as he checked his hair in the mirror and smoothed it down a little. Then he gave a slightly hysterical giggle and ventured forth.

"There you are!" Helena said when he reached the exit, giving him another dazzling smile. "I was beginning to think you'd changed your mind!"

Shinji shook his head. "No. I just...had to think about some things."

"I bet," she replied with a wink, and glomped his arm tightly. "Well, lead on!"

--

Asuka and Rei, meanwhile, were having a much less enjoyable day.

"Camera rolling in one minute, ladies!"

"If I am required to wear this costume for the entire fic," Rei commented, adjusting her leather bodysuit to remove a wrinkle, "I believe overheating may become an issue."

"You think you've got problems," Asuka grumbled. "I can barely breathe in this corset."

"And...go!" the director called with a wave of his hand. Neither girl cared to speculate where the other hand was.

"Silence, slave! I did not grant you permission to speak!" Rei shouted, getting into (or rather out of) character. She gave Asuka an experimental smack around the shoulder with the riding crop she held.

"Yes, Mistress Ayanami," Asuka replied sullenly from where she knelt, collared and handcuffed, at Rei's feet.

--

One recycled-porn-scenario-disguised-as-fanfic later, the two pilots high-tailed it out of the studio, not even bothering to take a shower first – the fic had featured two, in any case. By unanimous agreement, it was determined that copious amounts of alcohol were required to wipe away the memory of the last six or seven hours.

"There'd better be some tequila left," Asuka said as she kicked off her shoes and closed the door, "Or..." She tailed off as she noticed what Rei already had: there was a strange girl in the kitchen making tea. A strange girl, moreover, who appeared to be wearing only one of Shinji's shirts. Her pale skin was perfectly smooth and clear, her hair glossy and immaculate even in her dishevelled state, her dark eyes gleamed infuriatingly with good cheer and mischief, and her figure was improbable: in short, the two pilots were able to instantly recognize her as a Mary Sue.

"Hello," the girl said in a predictably musical voice, "You must be Miss Sohryu and Miss Ayanami. I'm Helena Blackrose." (Asuka's face twitched dangerously, and Rei raised an eyebrow a microscopic distance.) "Pleased to meet you!" She bowed gracefully.

"What the hell are you doing here?" Asuka demanded. "Have they stooped to filming fanfics in here or something?"

"No, no, Shinji and I came back here after our fic finished."

Asuka goggled. "Came back...you mean...no way!" She started laughing. "Oh Shinji, you idiot!"

"This was presumably your idea, Miss Blackrose?" Rei asked.

"Oh yes," the Sue giggled. "Naturally I had to make the first move, he's so shy...even in the bedroom."

"In your experience, perhaps." The words sounded distinctly snappish, and Rei restrained herself from further comment. Helena's presence in the Evangelion canon characters' erstwhile private space was unsettling.

"Hey, wait," Asuka said, propping herself up on the kitchen table and controlling her laughing fit, "Who on earth writes Mary Sues who want to get off with _Shinji_?"

"Shinji wrote me," Helena said calmly. "I think he was a little surprised to meet me in the flesh, though. If you know what I mean," she added with a wink.

"He...he wrote...and then you...oh. Oh ho. OH HO HO HO HO HO!"

"Oh, and I'm not a Mary Sue!" Helena called after Asuka as she rushed across the living room to the computer. "I'm not," she said plaintively, turning to Rei.

"I believe you meet certain definitions of one."

"Oh? Like what?"

"You possess many traits commonly associated with Mary Sues, such as physical attractiveness-"

"Are you hitting on me?"

"No. Also, an excessively outgoing personality, and a strong tendency towards forming romantic attachments improbably quickly."

"That doesn't make me a Mary Sue, though, lots of characters are like that."

"Indeed. I was going to say that the defining trait of a Mary Sue is to intrude upon and alter the canon universe in order to fulfil their creator's wishes, without significant regard for logic or consistency. You most certainly do this."

"You're mean," Helena declared, and stalked off toward Shinji's room.

"When loverboy emerges from wherever he's hiding, tell him the computer's now off-limits!" Asuka yelled, typing furiously.

--

"A harem fic?" Rei asked a few days later, as she and Shinji loitered at the studio entrance.

"Yes, apparently it involves Lelouch from _Code Geass_, several other CLAMP bishounen, and half the male cast of _Revolutionary Girl Utena_," Shinji replied. "She's been churning out yaoi fics and directing them in other districts as well."

"I had not realised that Miss Sohryu was so...creative."

"You could ask her to write some fics for you, if you want," Shinji suggested. "I'm sure she'd agree if you picked the subjects right."

"Perhaps I will. On that subject, have you made any progress on my commission?"

"Uh, it's been held up a bit, but I have a vague idea now, if you want to hear it..."

"By all means."

"Well, my idea was that the new pilot is in our class and gets picked as the Fourth Child, and they come to you for advice because they always thought you were interesting – they're really introverted, so they never tried to talk to you before even though they wanted to. I figured someone who was a bit of an outsider would be more likely to accept you as you are, to fulfil your main request."

"That sounds quite suitable."

"I was thinking of making the new pilot a girl, as well." Shinji shifted uncomfortably. "I hope that's OK...you did say they could be male or female, and it seems to make more sense that a female pilot would pick you to ask for advice. And if they're a lesbian, it adds to them being an outsider."

"And you would doubtless enjoy writing shoujo-ai more."

"No! Well, yes, I suppose, but the idea just came out like that." He shrugged.

"Quite. I was merely teasing," Rei said with a small smile.

"Do you want me to actually post the fic anywhere when it's done, or just give it to you to read?" Shinji shuddered at the thought of another bipolar Sue chasing Rei around on top of everything else that was going on.

"Probably not. Show me the first chapter and I shall decide. So how is your relationship with Miss Blackrose progressing?"

"Don't ask," he groaned, remembering their last meeting.

"I already have."

"Well, it was going pretty well..."

--

Lelouch vi Britannia paused and looked over the crowd of soldiers. "Not all of you shall perish," he said quietly. "It is my intention to bring every one of you back, but some among us may not see the end of this campaign. Death, however, must not be feared. The first time you witness death your mind will go blank with fear—any man who claims otherwise is a liar. But you will remember who you are, and your finger will move to the trigger and do its work, for a true soldier will never let his fear overcome his honor, his self esteem, and his loyalty to his brothers in arms."

"You were right, this fic really is well written. More popcorn?"

"Thanks," Shinji replied. Helena passed him a handful of kernels, then added another by a more direct route – kissing him while holding it between her teeth.

He had come up with the idea of visiting another fandom and sitting in the studio audience to watch a good fic being filmed for their date. After some thought, he had picked the _Code Geass_ studio, due to the large number of high-quality fics in that fandom – Asuka was a huge fan of the series, or more specifically of its protagonist.

On the stage below, Lelouch continued his speech. "This rhetoric about aces and heroes winning wars by their own efforts is more worthless than dung. The retarded inbreeding louts who write that sort of stuff for the tabloid press do not know any more about soldiering than they know about hosting tea parties!"

"That guy's pretty hot," Helena mused. "Not as hot as you, though."

Shinji smiled, and they snuggled closer together.

--

"Then yesterday..."

--

"How could you do that with her?!" Helena sobbed. "I thought I was special to you!"

"You are!" Shinji protested. He had casually mentioned the rather tedious fic he had just finished filming, in which he had (yet again) been paired with Asuka by an author who interpreted their bickering as repressed love. Helena had promptly pushed him off the bed and burst into tears. "It was just another fic. Even characters in other fandoms who're married have to do stuff with other people when someone writes them in a different pairing. It's not fun, but it's the way things are."

"Well, I don't like it one bit," she sniffled. "I want you all to myself."

"Uh, I'm glad." Shinji sat down again next to her, gingerly putting his arm around her. "I'm sorry."

"It's OK." Helena hugged him back. "As long as I can be with you and I'm the only one in your heart, I'm happy."

The next few minutes did not involve any conversation. At length, however, Helena disengaged her lips from his and said: "I _am _the only one in your heart, right? You don't _really_ secretly love...her?"

"No!"

"Good. Because...if you did, I might have to hurt her." Shinji's eyes widened at the cold steel in her voice, and when she swooped down to resume their makeout session, he decided he had better not protest.

--

"So yeah, she's starting to scare me a bit," he finished. "I'd break up with her if I dared...and I feel kind of responsible for making her so obsessed with me."

"A simple solution occurs to me."

"Really?"

"Yes. Her obsessive personality is the result of the way you wrote her in your wish-fulfilling fic. Therefore, all you need do is alter it."

"But the first few chapters are already out there...I can't change them."

"No. However, you can introduce an unlikely but suitable plot twist..."

--

_One week later_

Helena's phone beeped, startling both her and Shinji, who had been sneaking loving glances at each other across the classroom. She jumped up at a nod from the teacher and took it outside. When she returned, she quickly explained that she had to go to NERV and gathered up her things. As she passed Shinji's desk on her way out, she surreptitiously dropped a note in front of him. When no-one was looking, he unfolded it.

_Unscheduled synch test,_ the note read. _Come along after school and give me moral support? Meet me in the changing rooms after and we can do a little synchronizing of our own._ Shinji grinned and hastily tucked the note away.

The last few days had been the happiest of his life. He and Helena had spent every moment they could together, waking or sleeping. Misato almost certainly knew he was sneaking round to Helena's apartment nearly every night, but she hadn't said anything.

--

"I thought the point of this was to change her personality, not for you to play with yourself some more," Asuka commented archly from over his shoulder. He had managed to prise her away from the computer for a while only by agreeing to let her watch him write – and, more importantly, point and laugh.

"It's to lull her into a false sense of security," Shinji explained.

"Right..."

--

_Several hours later_

He furtively entered the girls' changing rooms. Helena's synch test had ended a few minutes ago with her blowing him a kiss over the monitor and winking. Now Shinji looked forward to whatever she had planned for their little illicit meeting. Perhaps she intended to have him remove her plugsuit entirely this time, or maybe join her in the shower and wash the LCL out of her hair...

It was dark in the changing rooms except for the small emergency lights, which was odd, but maybe that was part of the plan. Shinji closed the door and walked carefully towards the shower area, then stopped abruptly as he heard a click behind him.

"Don't move a muscle."

"Helena?" This was a little kinkier than she usually liked to get, but what the hell, he could run with it. "Uh, don't shoot. I'll do anything."

"Helena doesn't exist, you silly boy. She never did."

"What?!"

She walked round him, and he gasped in horror. She was indeed pointing a quite large gun at him, and her expression and demeanour had utterly changed. Her eyes were cold and dead, her mouth set in a mocking smirk.

"Helena was a false personality, designed to get close to you for the purpose of my mission."

"But...the mind-link..."

"You sensed only the false memories that made up the shell personality, nothing more."

"Why?" Shinji croaked.

"This is a message for your father – SEELE won't let him tamper with their plans any longer. Unit-01 is their tool, not his." She tightened her grip on the gun, aiming unwaveringly at his chest.

"Helena, I love you," Shinji said desperately. "If you're in there somewhere, please, come back to me."

"Idiot." She fired. Shinji tried to dodge, but was too slow. As he collapsed to the floor bleeding , he reflected that he should have known things were too good to be true.

--

"Damn right you should," Asuka commented. "Mary Sues mess you up. I should know, I've had enough Marty Stus drooling after me."

"That's it finished," Shinji said. "Do you want to stomp on my ego some more before I post it?"

"Nah, I've got to go now anyway, I'm due to be ravished by Sephiroth at 3. Does my hair look OK?"

Shinji declined to comment.

_**Author's Notes:** Not such a long gap this time, thank goodness. I also took the opportunity in this chapter to plug my current favourite fic on FFN, cal reflector's **Code Geass: Lelouch of Britannia**._

_Neon Genesis Self-Insertion will conclude with **Episode VI: Return of the Sue**; however, the metafictional insanity will continue on in the sequel, **Neon Genesis Self-Insertion 2: Evangelion Boogaloo**, which will centre around the fic Shinji intends to write for Rei._


End file.
